Alas, poor Nessie! For almost a hundred years, the poor misunderstood dinosaur has been lurking deep in Loch Ness, in the cold northern reaches of Scotland. First reported in 1933, it has become one of the more famous cryptids in modern mythology, with various scientists closely examining the long, skinny lake for any actual evidence. So far, nothing conclusive, but what if? What if the Loch Ness Monster really does exist, is fed up with people bothering her, and has somehow broken free of the Loch just to make it into the frigid North Sea?
That’s ostensibly the starting point for writer-director Tyler-James in the ridiculous – and amusing – new horror thriller The Loch Ness Monster. The premise is that “having escaped the Loch, it is now unleashing decades of pent-up aggression on all those it encounters. In a fight for survival, our team of rescue operatives must overcome the terrors both beneath them and within their ranks.”
What ensues is a jumbled mess of overlapping storylines, with a group of naive and attractive young researchers on a borrowed warship, ostensibly trying to identify a lost submarine and ascertain what transpired. We know what happened from the opening scenes, however; the sub’s crew of two (TWO!) met up with cranky Nessie and came out far the worst for it. The unexplained warship is similarly crewed by a skeleton team of about a half-dozen, including a couple of violent and unpredictable baddies who wave guns around and shoot at the others to ensure they stick with the program.
And what is that program? Soon enough they find out: Find, engage, and record the encounter with The Loch Ness Monster. In this film, however, there’s no benign herbivore, this is a huge, vicious Plesiosaur. Think the toothy monster from Jurrasic World meets The Meg and you have a good sense of the beastie. It’s also angry, randomly grabbing people off the deck to chomp!
For completely inexplicable reasons, at one point Nessie also spits goo at one of the badguys, leaving him with what appear to be acid burns. Surprise! In a page liberally borrowed from Alien, a creepy spider-like creature bursts out of his body and then terrorizes the rest of the crew. Or at least the few that are left alive at that point. How acidic saliva causes a creature to spontaneously grow in someone’s body is not explained, but hey, you’ve already cashed in all your suspension of disbelief by this point anyway, so what’s another nutty storyline.
Meanwhile, the actors. Oh! The actors. It’s not that they’re terrible – after all, it is very clearly a B movie – but more that it’s all so ludicrous that it’s hard to imagine them not breaking out in giggles from some of the most banal lines and daft scenes. Is it horrifying? Not particularly. Is it nonetheless somewhat entertaining if you’re a fan of bad movies? Most assuredly, this is one to add to your watchlist and catch it when you’re not in the mode for great cinema, just something to eat up some time.
And Nessie? My hope is that she does exist and has found a nice deep crevasse to hide in so that those pesky scientists don’t find her and spoil everything. After all, if she does get upset, it’s clearly going to be a disaster!